It seems the last time I blogged about my personal life was in February of 2012. Hmmm… Quite a while ago. At that time, I was clearly in a place of trying to decide whether I should let go of or hang on to a very broken marriage. A lot has happened since then.
It’s 21 months later and I can tell you that I let go in July of this year. This brought on a whole new range of mixed emotions and thoughts – as you might imagine. Am I sad about the loss of my marriage? Absolutely. Am I at peace with my decision? Yes. There were two things I told myself would have to happen before I would be willing to officially end my marriage. They were… 1) that I could honestly say I did everything within my power to give it a chance at making it and 2) that I felt God had released me from my marriage. Now I am certainly subject to human error in my interpretations of the Spirit. But I can’t deny the peace I have had since making the decision, and there is something confirming in that to me. I still pray for my soon-to-be ex-husband and truly believe God is pursuing his heart. I have high hopes for a genuine transformation to occur within him through Christ. Nonetheless, I simply reached a point where I felt the best way to love him was to leave him to sit in the consequences of his ongoing poor choices. Some people are apt to undergo a deep change after realizing they hurt someone else. Some aren’t. For some, it requires self-destruction before they wake up and take notice of where change is needed. Unfortunately, my husband is the latter. It makes me sad – for him and for our marriage. However, I must accept this reality. Life doesn’t stop at our disappointments. It keeps on going – and so must I.
While it’s only been a very short while, I can already begin to see things that I wish I had handled better. There are certainly ways in which I revealed how little I often truly trusted God with EVERYTHING. It was no doubt disturbing to see myself act out with such anger in ways I didn’t even know I was capable of. But the beautiful thing about God’s grace is that it is big enough to cover all of my sins, my husband’s sins… the whole world’s sins! And, for this, I am so thankful. It is truly humbling every time I think about it. And as I type these very words, tears roll down my face. We are forgiven, thank God! The price has already been paid. Jesus knows every time I sin and loves me enough to nudge me with conviction while accepting all of me – my limitations and imperfections and rebellion – at the same time. That’s unconditional love at it’s very best – pure and perfect love. This is how I can continue on with freedom and peace in the Lord after such a very traumatic and heart-wrenching phase in my life.
There is a lot of talk about “grace + nothing = everything” these days, which is what I am talking about. I have much to say about this topic – especially in relation to my marriage. However, I will save that for another blog. Though, it’s because of this kind of love we receive from our Heavenly Father that I am able to experience the freedom of letting go today. I’m not just letting go of my marriage and the hopes that went along with it. I’m letting go of expectations I put on myself that I probably never should have. One of those was to be the saving source for my husband that only God can be. I mean I knew in my mind only God could, but the martyrdom I lived out at times in the marriage I’m now beginning to think possibly revealed a different belief. More passing of time will likely settle this consideration within me. Another area of letting go is the insane standards I tend to put on myself – and others. Do I care about my walk with the Lord and how that gets lived out in my relationships? Of course! I also know, though, that we are all just simply where we are right now and that we are ever-evolving. It seems the more I grow in my relationship with the Lord the less clear cut some things are. Everything always come back to the state of one’s heart rather than the details of the circumstance. And only God ever reeeally knows the state of our heart. So, it leaves me turning more and more things over to the Lord. It’s a relief, I tell you! I’m just not capable of having all of the answers. But I know one who does have them – and that’s sufficient for me!
My personal prayer right now is for God to grow me in my understanding of what it is to live in the center of His will for the purpose of glorifying Him. I desire to live in freedom & joy in Him. I pray for wise discernment as I encounter good versus evil daily and the courage to respond well. Lastly, I pray that I would be able – as Jean Vanier once stated – “to reveal the beauty of others to themselves”. That is love.